Your parents worked so hard to give you a comfortable, happy life growing up. They are the two people that cared for you and anticipated all your needs more than anyone else in your life. To think about these two capable, loving, caring people being unable to care even for themselves can sound strange. For loving children, it can be a heartrending realization that their parents are growing old and are no longer able to do all the things that everyone around took for granted. If so, the idea of moving your parents to an assisted living facility has probably already occurred to you. This itself can at first seem like an extreme step; an idea that the mind shies away from. So, ask yourself: Are you ready? Are your parents ready?

Is it time to have the talk about moving to assisted care?

Firstly, you need to make a detailed assessment of the situation. Examine the practical aspects of your parents’ home: Is it elder-friendly or can modifications be made to accommodate increasing immobility? Are the bathrooms safe for them to use or is there a danger of falls and accidents? Are there a lot of stairs and can a ramp or stair lift be installed to ease the situation? Also assess other factors such as their home’s distance from medical facilities should there be any kind of emergency.

Assess the extent to which your parents now appear to need care. Are they still able to drive to wherever they need to go around Dallas, or do they need assistance? Is there any mental or physical infirmity that needs supervision or special care? Have you noted any rapid weight loss or mood changes? Have there been any recent episodes that convince you that your parents would be happier, healthier and better looked after in assisted living? Once you’ve answered all these questions, you can make a clear and reasoned decision about your course of action.

Are you convinced about this?

This is important. If you plan to speak to your parents about moving to assisted living, ensure that you yourself believe this to be necessary. Whenever possible, make sure that your siblings are on board, too. Rise above the whole stigma attached to assisted living and don’t be worried about what others in the family will say. Don’t wonder about how your friends seem to be managing with their elderly parents. Everyone has a different set of circumstances within which they have to choose what is best – and this goes for you and your siblings as well. In fact, and it may not come as a surprise, as per a 2009 report, most seniors who make the transition to assisted living end up liking it much better than they expected, even going on to state that they wish they’d done it sooner.

So you have to make decisions based on the realities of your own home and living conditions, your financial and time resources, and the assessment you make about the needs of your parents. Are you convinced that your parents are better off in an environment where they are looked after and helped with day to day chores, attention is always available and where living areas are adapted to senior living? Where there are friends to be made and shared activities to enjoy? In that case, you are ready to have the talk with mom or dad. So, here are the steps to ensure that you have made a decision and that it is the right one for your set of circumstances.

Do your research and become fully informed.

If you’ve made your decision about assisted living, you can then start to look at all your options based on where you live and the level of care your parents need. Take into account any special needs your parents may have: mobility issues, medical conditions, need for hospital visits and so on. Take into consideration the activities your parents enjoy doing, the kind of friends they enjoy having, the environment in which they thrive. Shortlist a few places that cater to their needs and personalities, places where you feel they would be happy and comfortable. Look for pleasant environs, a good elder-to-carer ratio, welcoming communities, and places where the elderly seem to be happy and loving this chapter of life.

Choose the right time.

Take the time out for a proper, reasoned, heartfelt discussion where you tell your parents about the concerns you have and why their declining autonomy raises a need for action. Don’t make an offhand comment or a thinly asserted question like it might be time we look into options, huh? Try not to have the discussion when there are many other people around; at an occasion such as a birthday or a holiday get-together. Pick a quiet moment when your parents are likely to be receptive to a new idea. The idea of moving may need some time to get used to. Offer to take a break on the subject and then be sure to come back to it at the right time again.

Honestly tell them about your apprehensions: a medical emergency in the middle of the night, a possible fall or other injury, increasing infirmity that makes them further unable to manage by themselves. And let it be a discussion, not a demand. Make it a point to listen, really listen to what they have to say. If they are shy about meeting new people, offer to help. If they are concerned about all of their things, be ready with solutions. Speak with our amazing staff members at 972-908-9094 to get answers to questions that arise in their mind. Address concerns that they have about the whole idea and try to ease their apprehensions. They did this for you every step of the way as you grew older, now it is your turn. Be kind, be patient, but above all, be responsible.

Make it a mutual decision with everyone on board – one that works for everyone, including you.

As kids, our moms were our superwomen. They seemed to have so many balls up in the air and managed to juggle all of them effortlessly. Their home chores, work commitments, kids’ responsibilities and social life. Our moms were our source of strength and guidance; and our support when things went wrong. They seemed to be able to manage it all! But as of late, you may find that her seemingly endless energy is flagging. The pace is lagging and the gait has slowed.

Are you contemplating assisted living for your mom?

It is completely heart wrenching to think that the capable, confident, efficient and amazing person you knew your entire life, may not be that same person anymore. It can be a difficult fact to accept; that old age is catching up slowly but surely. It is painful to see the inevitable infirmity and the change that time has wrought. For most people, the idea of shifting a loved one to an assisted living facility is a difficult one to contemplate.

And how do you even decide whether or not to opt for assisted living? The decline is almost always gradual and often imperceptible for those who are closest. Is this the right time? Does your mom really need assisted living? Any or all of these could be the sign that mom would benefit by being in an assisted living facility:

 1. The telltale signs.

Changes in ability are usually easier to spot – such as between couples in long-term, intimate relationships where companionship itself prevents decline and where one’s partner can spot any change quickly and before further deterioration. However, if your mom lives alone, you may find the telltale signs more difficult to spot. Here are the signs you should keep your eye on. You should watch out for things like forgetfulness of common things: taking medications on time, paying bills, forgetting birthdays or events. Things she used to easily remember. Maybe she walks with a bit of stoop now, maybe her gait has altered from purposeful to shuffling now. Perhaps her shoulders seem more bowed than before? Perhaps she has difficulty carrying things, doing simple chores around the house. The thing to watch out for is any change or deterioration of any sort rather than specific symptoms.

2. Frequent injuries.

She may make light of the cut on her finger from when she was chopping vegetables. She may dismiss the bruise on her arm which she says is just the result of her banging into something in the night. It could even be something more serious such as slipping in the bath or taking a tumble on the stairs. The fact that she seems to be getting hurt or injured more often than normal, is itself a cause for concern. It points to declining physical strength and a lack of physical coordination. She may manifest her increasing infirmity/immobility in other ways: stairs are becoming more and more difficult and painful for her to navigate, or maybe she avoids driving.

3. She is no longer as house proud as she used to be.

This is another sign mom could benefit from assisted living: the woman who used to keep a sparkling clean house and attractive garden no longer seems up to the task; worse she no longer seems very bothered about it. If you see a layer of dust, the dishes or laundry piling up, clutter, weeds in the garden…this is an indication she needs more care. If your mom recently seems a little sloppy in the way that she dresses, where earlier she was always well groomed and neatly turned out and perfectly made-up, this is also your indication that times have changed and you need to take action for the woman who was always taking action on your behalf.

4. She is not her usual sociable self.

Maybe she doesn’t meet up with her friends as much as she used to. Perhaps she finds excuses not to attend family functions or reunions. Maybe she no longer seems to have as much inclination to play or engage with her grandkids as she used to enjoy. She seems to be withdrawing from or seems to be losing enthusiasm for the things that interested her for so many years: physical activities, the theatre, movies, travel.

5. She is losing weight.

Losing some amount of body mass is a natural consequence of aging and not necessarily a cause for concern. However when that weight loss is significant and seems to be too rapid to be normal, you must take charge of the situation. The weight loss could mean that she is neglecting her diet or is finding it difficult to cook and/or eat the things that she was used to eating. Weight loss could also indicate an underlying medical condition; which could also require attention and monitoring.

For any of a number of reasons, you may find that your mother may be both happier as well as safer and better cared for in assisted living. You may find that she is too proud to ask for help, but once you offer it she is more than receptive to the idea. It may take some encouraging. A visit to the options in her area can help her see a new chapter in her life. Help her ease into a life that’s brighter than living alone, one that is safer than struggling to keep up on her own, one that is healthier, happier and, well, homey.